Twitterature


Alexander Aciman and Emmett Rensin Twitterature



The World's Greatest Books In Twenty Tweets or Less

The Hobbit


The Shire is so BORING. Boring boring boring. Plus all the chicks are so short!
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The old dude wants me to throw a party for some dwarves. Couldn't hurt. Plus I'm gonna get WASTED.
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Last time I drank that much I wound up still in the tavern ...... keeper's wife! ZING!
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Crap. I seem to have been fandangled into a daring adventure to some mountain. Do I have to?
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Walking walking walking ....
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Still walking - this is so boring!
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Stopped and ate at Elf City. Must everyone ALWAYS ask me if I have a normal sized penis? Do elves have normal sized ears? No. STFU.
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Walking....
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Oh shit! This hobbit is on crack and he has a magic ring that makes you INVISIBLE!
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Got the ring. Man that guy was crazy! Probably not connected to this sweet magic ring, right?
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Walking some more. Do these dwarves never get tired of walking? At least I've got this pretty precious, swweet, wonderful, amazing ring.
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Waaaaalllllkkkiiiinnnn! Oh wait. Stopped to eat.
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Eating a sandwich - really good.
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Taking a shit - really good.
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Goddamn it. We're walking again. Deep forests. Endless mountains. Bad reception.
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First, let me tell you about the sky .... and then the tree line .... and then the ground .... zzzzzzz
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Walking still
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Eating again
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OH SHIT! A HUGE BATTLE. IF ONLY THIS HAD HAPPENED EARLIER. I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING BORED!


Of Mice and Men


Nothing beats hanging out with a ret -...idiot, all day. How did I get stuck with Rain Man? Minus the superhuman talent, that is.
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Lennie killed some mice. Great. It's kind of ironic, because compared to a smart guy like me, he's kind of a mouse, isn't he?
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Come to think of t, it is pretty funny, because, you know, I am a MAN, and they are MICE, and Lennie is kind of BOTH. Get it?
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Need to find work. Ret- .... Lennie here dooesn't know
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Do they call it the Great Depression because everyone's depressed?
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We found a ranch to work at. Lennie's none too bright but he's good with his hands.
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Playing cards all day. The rancher's son is n asshole, but his wife is a pretty swell girl. Also a party girl.
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@Lennie dammit you know groping women is illegal. It's 1925 man, women have rights now, They're equal. Kind of.
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Now Lennie's in trouble. How can you accuse a guy when he doesn't know his boner from a hole in the ground.
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Lennie broke the owner's son's hand, which was kind of funny because the bones just popped out of his hand.
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Lennie just wants to live off the fat of the land. Working like a dog in a rock and roll band.
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Lennie came back into the cabin with that look on his face and I said "Lennie did you kill another woman?"
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He told me he thought he'd done it again. Why do I get stuck with the dangerously disabled? Did Forrest Gump ever hurt anyone?
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I hear the lynch mob outside. This is the third time this year we gotta go. 'cause Lennie made a mess of things.
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I can't deal with this shit anymore. Lennie is the anti-poon.
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I'm going to do what I shoulda long time ago, shoot this ret- ... friend in the head. Otherwise the mob will torture him. He deserves a quick death.
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He is my friend though. But I have to do it. The law won't euthanize the disabled here, and Texas is too far away.
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The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn


Seems like as soon as a fella comes into a bit o' money everyone comes out of the woodwork after it.
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These ladies wants to sivilize me? ore like reverse gold-dig my fame and fortune. @FencinTom: Get me outta here!
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Escaped the house, but my drunkard Pap showed up . I reckon he is all kinds of bad for my development, lockin me up in his cabin and all.
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I just want to be free and have adventures and whatever. Also keep Pap's hands off my damn money.
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Faked my own death. Headin' down the Mississippi. Ran into the gold-digger' former slave Jim, trying to escape to Illinois.
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Not sure how I feel about this. Don't think a slave ought to escape on account of his being vital property and all.
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Found a house floating on the river. Jim found a body but won't tell me who it was. Probably not a big deal.
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You know, the more I talk to Jim, the more I get to thinkin' 'Boy these Negroes is just like other folks. Maybe they shouldn't be owned.'
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Tired out going in drag. Don't really want to talk about it. Long story short: being a lady is much more than a pretty dress.
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OH WTF THEY SHOT MY ONLY FRIEND! CAN'T TWEET TOO UPSET. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
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Picked up two guys. One says he's the King of France, other an English duke. Weird. Why would royalty move to America to become scam artists?
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The goddamned king went and sold Jim. Some friend. I really thought I could trust him being French and all.
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In a pretty convenient twist of fate, it turns out Jim got sold to Tom Sawyer's relations.
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They think I'm Tom. Tom came - he says he's my brother. Tom has hatched an elaborate plot to free Jim.
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Sprang Jim out. He's free, I'm free, all seems well.
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Oh wait, Jim was already free by order of the law, and Tom knew it. He just wanted to have an adventure.LOL.
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Twilight


I'm a teenage girl, hoping to make friends at a new school in a new town. This should be fascinating Oh the weather sucks.
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Wow. I'm all of a sudden really popular! This is a twist., isn't it? Oh except this TOTALLY HOT guy says I smell bad.
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He makes vulgar, offensive faces a me with his wanton, profound eyes. It's a cliche for me to fall. But why fight it? He is so very fine.
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His face burns in my mind, and his hand seem crafted by God himself. I surrender.
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I knew it. He just wants to be friends
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So I'm out walking and BAM! a car almost runs me over except my new 'friend' shoves it out of the way with his bare hands!
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Hey , anyone know what disease causes frigid skin, no need for food, and fear of light? Vitiligo universalis, like MJ had? Or is it death?
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Pretty boy is a vampire. A bit obvious, but I still feel a hormonal pull. He's a pussy magnet.
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Today I asked him if he only liked me because of my tits. He said no, it's the smell of my blood. FML
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I like him 'cause he can read everyone's mind, but not mine. Maybe if he stopped staring at my tits .... I don't care. He's so dreamy.
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He says he's part of a no-killing-humans club. I hope he's not just saying this to get me into bed.
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A bad vampire tried to kill me. He threatened to murder my mother too. See? There is some action in my story.
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The bad vampire managed to bite me but my guy took him out and cured me. That was resolved quickly. Well, now we can be together.
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I hope he doesn't bite during sex. That would really suck.
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Oh what do I tell my family? You can't introduce a vampire the same way you introduce an artist or a vagrant.
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Since he is a vampire and I am a human, we'll have to work at our relationship. I'm ready to make sacrifices, but not BE sacrificed. Clear?
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My life lately has been a bit like a lonely girl's slightly creepy juvenile sex fantasy. But at least it really happened!!
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@YounGirls: if a guy is hot enough, it's OK if he's also a blood-sucking creep. Completely subordinate yourself and accommodate him. Worth it.
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Good thing this happened. Otherwise it would just have been a 40 yr old me, a bottle of cheap wine and a whole bag of issues.
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